I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize