For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
