It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you just see the Batmobile???
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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