WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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