I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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