Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
