Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Be still, my beating vagina.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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