just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
