My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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