We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
