OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
