You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
