If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
