Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
