i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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