Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Randomize