So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
