You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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