you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
