Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That's how pantless uber rides happen
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
