just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
