I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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