I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
