I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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