Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
