I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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