oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
