My first STD was from a foam party
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
