New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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