chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
