The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
