My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
