Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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