She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize