No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
