1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
