The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
