There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
