she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
