he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
