We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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