We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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