oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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