mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Randomize
