There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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