I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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