I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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