hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
