Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
did i just pee glitter
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
