Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
