remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
