I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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