i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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