I will die if light touches me.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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