I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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