After last night, I could never be a politician.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We left the knife in your bed.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
