Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
