I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
